A few years (read: 5) ago we bought the baby his BIG BOY BED. From Ikea. Whom I <3 with every fiber of my being. At least until today. Now, we all know that children will wet a bed. It happens. Whatever. It's why I keep a shit ton of baking sode on hand. Sprinkle a nice pile on the pee spots, cover with a towel and heavy things and leave it for a day. Vaccuum it up and the smell and wet is gone! TA-DA! Frickin magic shit I tell ya! Well, it does not, however, remove the stain every time. SO I, in all my sweatpanted wonder, decide it's high time to take the cover off the foam matress and wash it! YAY! Productivity! So I wrangle it off which took like 5 minutes cause it is a FOAM matress and the cover has a FLEECY lining. W.T.F?! What idiot thought that was a good mix? Oh well. It's off and headed to the laundry. I start spraying it with spray and wash and then I see the tag...NO WASH. UH.OH. Upholstery shampoo only. Ummm...it should fine, right? Sure...so I wash it and put it in the dryer with NO HEAT so it won't shrink. Guess what...it did. Only a little thank GOD! So now it's time to get it back on... remember the fleecy lining? HA! It took me an hour. NO LIE. There were a few moments whree I was actually half in the cover cramming the FOAM mattress into the other end. There were a few moments where I was straddling the matress and jumping up and down because it kept sticking to the inside of the cover and folding in half. Which would have turned me on exceot ya know, I was pissed. Oh and the material is cotton but more like sandpaper as my bloody knuckles will attest. No shit...BLOODY KNUCKLES. After an hour of wrestling with the matress I stood it on it's end trying to get the last inch to slide in and the damn thing flopped over and hit my in the face. Which put my tooth into the soft flesh on the inside of my bottom lip. MOTHER.FUCKER. It was like wrestling with a giant whale penis, not that I would know personally, but it was big and floppy and grey and kinda sticky. So maybe? Whatever. I will NEVER be the good mommy again. He pees that bed one more time I am going to remove his bladder!
So, Ikea, if you are reading this...PLEASE, PLEASE, make a matress cover that is machine washable, has a zipper that goes at least halfway down the sides, and will not make my knuckles weep. Thanks! Still <3 you.