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Tuesday, November 9, 2010

I've had all I can stands and I can't stands no more!

It's funny. I just had this HUGE blog talking about all that is wrong with the hubs and me. And I deleted it. I even asked my friends to remove the networky thingy so it wouldn't post on a group page. Then turned around and deleted it. Why? I have no fucking idea. It hurt so much to write. But it would hurt even more if certain folks got ahold of it. Why should I care? This is MY page after all, right? Because I'm nice like that. I want it to stop hurting so much every single day. I want to be seen. I want to feel like I matter. BY HIM. Maybe it's just a bad week year. I don't know. It's just steady been headed south since we left Germany. Which is funny cause we went there on shaky ground. The best times of my ENTIRE marriage where in Germany. I would give just about anything to have that feeling back. To be surprised by a rain soaked man carrying the most beautiful flowers I have ever seen. To feel cherished. To feel like I am the only person he sees in a room full of people. To have him hold my hand or put his arm around me IN PUBLIC again. Why is being here so different? There are a million little reasons bound to a million little daggers for both sides to that story. A story I can't even give a voice to. A story I want to scream from the rooftop and whisper so no one hears at the same time. I am tired of the weight of what I carry. And the shitty thing's not even my burden. It's his and yet I carry the bulk. Why is that? I really thought I had lain it down. But it feels shackeled to me. It feels like a parasite that is slowly eating me alive and I cannot stop it. Some days I am strong enough. Not today. Not this week. Not this year. How do I come back from having everything I hoped for, dreamed of, trusted in, ripped from me? I can literally feel my heart break some days. And it takes my breath and leaves me raw and empty. I should talk to someone. Get some help. But at the same time I am tired of talking about it. So what now?

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