STOP!

Do NOT read any farther if you have any idea, whatsoever, of getting offended.
This is my space. For me to rant. To praise. To whine. Whatever.
Do NOT send me bitchy emails or messages about what you read here.
You don't have to like it and you don't have to read it either!







Tuesday, November 9, 2010

I've had all I can stands and I can't stands no more!

It's funny. I just had this HUGE blog talking about all that is wrong with the hubs and me. And I deleted it. I even asked my friends to remove the networky thingy so it wouldn't post on a group page. Then turned around and deleted it. Why? I have no fucking idea. It hurt so much to write. But it would hurt even more if certain folks got ahold of it. Why should I care? This is MY page after all, right? Because I'm nice like that. I want it to stop hurting so much every single day. I want to be seen. I want to feel like I matter. BY HIM. Maybe it's just a bad week year. I don't know. It's just steady been headed south since we left Germany. Which is funny cause we went there on shaky ground. The best times of my ENTIRE marriage where in Germany. I would give just about anything to have that feeling back. To be surprised by a rain soaked man carrying the most beautiful flowers I have ever seen. To feel cherished. To feel like I am the only person he sees in a room full of people. To have him hold my hand or put his arm around me IN PUBLIC again. Why is being here so different? There are a million little reasons bound to a million little daggers for both sides to that story. A story I can't even give a voice to. A story I want to scream from the rooftop and whisper so no one hears at the same time. I am tired of the weight of what I carry. And the shitty thing is...it's not even my burden. It's his and yet I carry the bulk. Why is that? I really thought I had lain it down. But it feels shackeled to me. It feels like a parasite that is slowly eating me alive and I cannot stop it. Some days I am strong enough. Not today. Not this week. Not this year. How do I come back from having everything I hoped for, dreamed of, trusted in, ripped from me? I can literally feel my heart break some days. And it takes my breath and leaves me raw and empty. I should talk to someone. Get some help. But at the same time I am tired of talking about it. So what now?

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