STOP!

Do NOT read any farther if you have any idea, whatsoever, of getting offended.
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You don't have to like it and you don't have to read it either!







Friday, October 29, 2010

Der Kürbis Tod März

Loosely translated... THE PUMPKIN DEATH MARCH! ...OF DEATH!!!!
So, yeah... you may remember a post about pumpkin love... Well, THAT pumpkin is THANKFULLY still with us. Alas, the other, mere mortal pumpkins, are no longer so. Some gave in to the very UN-October heat and melted into my paver walkway. Others put up a brave front and developed a very distinguished white cap. Distinguished until we realized it was MOLD! EWWW!! Still, others faded from a brilliant white to a very undignified yellow. Needless to say, they are now forest critter fodder. Bright side...mystery pumpkin vines in the garden next year!? SO...I, alone, took the BOYS to Heritage Station Vineyards (YEP...) for some pumpkin pickin'! Me- (to the very skinny and uninterested, but still kinda nice, sales GIRL) "Ummm... are those pumpkins out front all you have left?" her- "Yeah...that's it. Oh...unless you want the U-pick em's" me- " Well, yeah, where are those?" her- " See that sandy trail there through the vineyard? Follow it to the pumpkin patch in the hill." me-" GREAT! Thanks!" Now we set out... and pass some animals. A few cold lookin' hens and , WEIRD- a Peacock. Same pen. He looked nervous and was either molting, which given that it is FALL and COLD  is HIGHLY unlikely, or just, well...missing some plumage. Then comes the goats. Now I have a soft spot for goats. I have NO IDEA why. I just do. My littler one asked, "Mom, how come they have cat eyes?" me- "Why." him- "I don't know I was asking you." me- "*sigh* No...WHY do they have cat eyes?" him- "MOM! I WAS ASKING YOU! I DON'T KNOW!" me- "Let's ask your dad."
Moving along...a GIANT cow! Followed by this conversation... "Me "HOLY COW!" (thinking that would get a chuckle) The older one- "Mom, (while shaking his head in shame) cow's have udders. And that one has what looks like a penis so wouldn't that make it a bull?" me- " HEY! Who wants to race to the pumpkin patch?" Damn kids!
SO...here we are and aren't those tiny orange dots the pumpkins? RUN CHILDREN! RUN! No lie...It took a bit, but mostly cause of the GIANT ...BULL! So we FINALLY get there and I look over my shoulder back towards where I thought the shop should be...wait...that can't be it... that TINY speck of grey? CRAP. OK... "Find you pumpkins boys!" Now the oldest finds his like RIGHT AWAY. Which freaks me out since he is SUPER ANAL RETENTIVE and also must touch EVERY. PUMPKIN.IN.THE.PATCH. But today...today was a victory! And then... there was Aidan's pumpkin. THAT took FOREVER. Now it's getting COLD. And the wind is pickling up and it looks like rain. (side note- I have arthritis in my neck from a car accident and NORMALLY wear a scarf when it is cold and wet...it wasn't cold and wet when we got there!) So I am trying to get Aidan his pumpkin and also one for me and the hubs cause we love this stuff too! (side note- His ass was still at "work"...next year this adventure is TOTALLY his!) So we FINALLY get them...and schlep back. It's easily 5 degrees colder- it was 55 to start smart ass- the wind is in our face and there are little drops of rain just because. Did I mention that I am carrying 32 pounds of pumpkin? we finally get back weigh and pay for the punkins, get the kids in the car, and what do I do... it is a vineyard, y'all... I left my two children in the car and went back in...and bought a to go bottle! Plus a cute wine carrier that says, "Drinks Well With Others!" The kids are happy and I am on my way! HAPPY FALL, Y'ALL!
~namaste~
Jen

I wish you could hear the soundtrack in my head!

I seriously walk around all day with various bits of music BLARING in my head. No lie, y'all. Like when I do something spectacularly awesome I hear...and this is a weird one... this little sound blurb from a Simpson's episode that featured N'SYNC. The one where Bart was in a boy bandOr when Scott is in a bad mood... I hear the Emperor's March from Star Wars... don't care if that is the real title or not, but bet your ass you knew what I meant! When I am on a "field trip" with my kids I hear that little circus ditty...you know the one. We've ALL heard it! When I screw something up... WAH WAH WAAAAAAHHH. Or... when Nelson says "HAHA". (I've TRIED to put the videos in here...it did NOT work so DEAL WITH IT! We all have our own soundtracks... what's yours?
~namaste~
Jen

Wednesday, October 27, 2010

Seriously?! This is getting to be a REAL problem here!

So, after a week or so of VERY sleepness nights I finally drugged my husband. YES. I. DID. DO. NOT. JUDGE. ME! He drives RIDONKULOUS amounts for work every day. 500+ miles per week for a job that does not appreciate him at all. Thank GOD he retires in a year and a half. But I gave him a Tylenol PM last night cause my ass was tired from his tossing and turning and turning the TV on at O'dark:30 cause he couldn't sleep! And it knocked his ass out! WOOHOO! So much so that at 0430 when his alarm went off...HE. DID. NOT. HEAR. IT. Y'ALL! I practically had to beat him up to get him to turn it off.  Only he hit snooze...EVERY. NINE. MINUTES. FOR. AN. HOUR. DAMNIT!!!!  I guess he finally got tired of the hits to the kidney and head and got up. I fell back into my coma...it's been a week My step-dad was in a TERRIBLE accident (he's ok but still has a long road to go) THEN last night my cousin had an emergency appendectomy (again he is ok). ARGHHH!!!! STRESS!!!!! Thankfully everyone is ok. But the hubby was up that early and DID. NOT. MAKE. THE. F'ING. COFFEE. AGAIN! I am seeking legal council.
~namaste~
jen

Saturday, October 23, 2010

Like I said...I may have to kill the man...

There are few divorcable offenses in my house...not making the coffee is NUMERO UNO. There is also bitching about anything I cook, clean, or otherwise have a hand in. Such as the miracle of squeezing out the two nose pickin', mouth breathers. I mean, ther are other far more obvious offenses, but...been there done that got the emotional and physical baggage and scars that like to rip open and gush bloody infection over my day at the most inopportune times. It's fucking awesome when that happens. Like ripping my heart out with a rusty spork all by myself and then holding it up in the air for all to see before I hacky sack it into the fireplace kind of awesome. Yeah it rocks. ANYWAY... hiding behind or in shit and jumping out at me is one. I swear he is so fucking lucky that my ass doesn't walk around with a knife because I would have stabbed him like a bajillion times. Fucker. And please. PLEASE. Do NOT come take a shit while I am trapped in the shower. Not funny. Not funny at all. And NO I do NOT want to have a conversation with you while you are doing it. Something about the fact that my nice peppermint or lavendar shower now smells like someone shit in the candy/flower store kinda makes me lose words. My kids have picked up this unfortunate habit as well. I may need to get shock collars and a perimeter thingy so they can't get anywhere near the bathroom while I am in there! I know I should lock the door, but don't. We only have the one and I hae a fear of them not being able to go when they REALLY need to and then having to take them to the hospital mfor Coke can sized fecal impaction. Or I would have to kill them for pissing themselves. Either way it's not pretty. Scott is pretty great. He really is. He lets me sleep in on the weekends. He takes the kids on his famous death march/bike rides. He bought me a $33 Cinderella Punpkin, y'all! But DAMN.IT. When he screws up he really goes for gold. FUCKER.
~namaste~
Jen

I may have to kill my husband...or divorce him.

There has got to be some retribution here. I mean...I don't have many rules about the way shit goes down in my house. Clean up after yourself is pretty much it. EXCEPT...and this one is the MOST important... the first adult up, MAKE.THE.COFFEE. I am lucky enough to have a man that lets me sleep in (until 8 cause that is, unfairly, as late as I can sleep anymore) on Saturdays, but really? EVERY.SINGLE.SATURDAY?  How is it possible to FORGET? He knows that when I get up Monday-Friday that is the first thing I do. No one gets fed until the coffee is brewing. No one gets talked to until the coffee is brewing. GET.OUT.OF.MY.WAY. until the coffee is brewing! It's not difficult. One tablespoon per cup of water. I like my shit strong. You can bitch it up if you need to but just follow my precise measurements and make the DAMN COFFEE!!!! He does this more often than not. This morning he walks in while I am peeing and am swaying, bleary eyed on the pot and tells me, "Oh, I forgot to make the coffee". WHAT THE AY-EFF DUDE?!?! I said, "Really? You ARE kidding right? How long have you been up?" him- "Since 7ish." me-"And you somehow 'FORGOT' to make the coffee?" So he gets in the shower cause he has to take the little on to a community cleanup his soccer team is working from 9-12. And he is pretty awesome for not even suggesting that I do it, but still...HE.FORGOT.TO.MAKE.THE.COFFEE...AGAIN!!!! So I walk into the kitchen thinking he is just kidding he really did make it...NOPE. So what do I do? I make the damn coffee. And then...I fill a big ass cup with icy cold water, walk calmly into the bathroom, reach over the shower wall while his is washing his face, and DUMP THAT SHIT ALL OVER HIM! He screams of course. And I am doubled over in tears cause that shit was funny. I tell him, "There, now we are even. Now I don't have to leave you." He, of course, didn't see the fairness of my vigilante justice.
~namaste~
Jen

Thursday, October 21, 2010

Well, color me crazy!

I know I am "home-schooling" but that can't really start until a few things happen... #1 I have to quit my job. Which I did and it sucks cause I liked it, but the last day is next week. #2 The math program needs to get here. #3 I need to be mentally prepared to not murder my son and hide his body in the woods behind the house! OK...if something ever happens to him I know I will be suspect NUMERO UNO, but you have to know I would NEVER actually do anything to hurt the kid. He's actually pretty awesome. He is a smart ass just like his mommy *wipes a tear from her eye*  and is super quick with the snarky comebacks! In short he is my twin and that is why I am FREAKING OUT! I am afraid that we are so the same person that the home-schooling thing is going to blow up in my face. I am afraid that I am going to fail him in a million (more) little ways. I am afraid that he is going to end up as crazy or more so than me. Even though his odds are pretty good there anyway! The good news is...he is still excited about the whole idea. He was singing a little rock song about going to the library today! HUH?!??!! This kid DOES.NOT.LIKE.THE.LIBRARY. And he is excited to go? LET'S GO!!!! He is excited to make a pumpkin pie today. He LOVES cooking...so YAY! He is making me more excited to teach him. I am not even pushing the issue right now. A little bit of un-schooling will do him good. And hopefully not drive us insane in the process!
~namaste~
Jen

Monday, October 18, 2010

New venture...or how I went grey and crazy FAST!

I have made the decision to homeschool my oldest son. WHHHHAAAATTTTT?!?!?! Yep. I know...sounds crazy. BELIEVE me I KNOW! I am just fed up with how completely the school system has failed my son. He is catagorized as learning disabled. HA! He does have Central Auditory Processing Disorder, which is a complete pain in the ass to work with, but SO manageable if you just try. It means his processing speed for spoken directions is slower. Therefore he learns a little slower. There is no room for this kind of child here. AT ALL. So rather than let him fail and fall farther behind. I am taking charge of his education. I am hoping we don't kill eachother.

~namaste~
Jen

Friday, October 15, 2010

Am I the A**hole here?

It can't be me, can it? I just am a leader in ant-bullshit awareness, right? A vanguard, a beacon to the world that says, SHUT THE AY-EFF UP STUPID PEOPLE OF THE WORLD! Right? Or am I that annoying bitchy chick that finds the evil in everything? Is it wrong to point out the obvious assholiness (drop the e add iness and it's a word.) in all that I see? Like, take for instance, the chick all blinged out at the supermarket with her fake bake, plastic tits, and GIANT Coach bag, buying groceries for her dirty, under dressed children with a WIC/Foodstamp card. Did I mention she got into a GIANT Caddy SUV? Or how about the folks that complain of no money and then turn around and buy a $2500 television. Cause you know that shit is WAY more important than your electric bill or food. Or the idiots that ride my ass all the way down the street, then swerve around me just to turn right in front of me. Am I the asshole here? I swear one day I am going to snap and stand in the middle of a store on top of a literal soap box and start preaching the truth to these people. I may need a few translators though since it seems that hardly anyone speaks English anymore.
~namaste~
Jen
p.s.- I LOVE that "ass holliness" is actually IN the spell checker!

Tuesday, October 12, 2010

A sign that the world, as we know it, is about to end in a fiery ball of screaming bodies.

I walked away from cupcakes. Not just once but numerous times over the past two days. They have been in one of the Doc's office and I have to go in there to get patient charts and shit. And EVERY time I have to walk right past them. I stopped the first time and thought...
OH.MY.GOD.ARE.THOSE.CUPCAKES.ON.AN.OTHERWISE.SHITTY.MONDAY?
Yes, y'all, I have a history with cupcakes. Well, cake in general. OK...cakes in general and pie...OK STOP JUDGING ME! I have a history with cake, pie, tarts, cookies, candy, brownies, DESSERT IS MY BEST FRIEND! I LOVE IT! I HATE IT! IT MAKES ME IT'S BITCH! But i seriously did not want those little sweet things! Not even a little! Damn good thing too because a Rep brought in fucking creampuffs and eclairs! SHIT!
~namaste~
Jen
ps- the creampuffs and eclairs tasted like the were either stale, had been left too long in someone's fridge and had that weird "FRIDGE TASTE" or maybe they were once frozen. And YES I tried them both! (I also chucked them both after one bite. The week continues to be just as shitty as it started)

Monday, October 11, 2010

What the AYEFF?

What is wrong with me? I woke up in the most miserable place today and don't know why. I am friggin exhausted. Like the kind of tired where you fall on the floor in a heap and just cry. Yep. That's me. But I had to go to work today. And thankfully Scott was off with the kids so some stuff got done around here. Cause if was left to me there would still be sauerkraut stuck to the stove top and beer slowly evaporating in the steins on the counter. My neck has been out for a week or so...quick side note... I was in a car accident my senior year of H.S. and dislocated the C2 almost 90 degrees...that's what the doc said at least...and that makes my head pound, my left arm go numb and therefore I get no sleep. Pile that on top of Skottoberfest and a house full of folks sleeping on every available floor and one on the couch (and I LOVED every second of them being here!!! I miss them already! REALLY!!!)  Oh, and he fact that I BUSTED.MY.ASS. No shit. I fucking fell over a planter in my front yard that has been there for MONTHS. In my defense it was DARK and I was maybe a little intoxicated and most certainly distracted by a crazy BITCH. I am so far past drained it's not even funny. But ya wanna know the sick little twist here? I.CAN.NOT. FUCKING. SLEEP.  I have pills for relaxing muscles and for pain but sometimes they make me feel even shittier so I don't always take them. Tonight, however, I will be sleeping with Prince Valium and his cousin The Earl of Percocet. That's a place in England, right?
~namaste~
Jen
p.s. I guess I do know why I feel so miserable. Oops.

Thursday, October 7, 2010

Did you ever want to just grab someone and shake the SHIT out of them?

This here ,y'all, is one of my BIGGEST ...pet peeve? No...aggravation? Nope... THIS SHIT JUST CHAPS MY ASS!!! How can someone, with a straight fucking face, look you in the eye and cry poormouth THEN turn around and go by some shit they don't need? Like a $300 purse. Or a P.O.S. truck. Or a fucking car. Or a BIGGER THAN SHIT FLAT SCREEN TELEVISION?!?!? This drives my already monkey nuts ass even crazier! REALLY?!?!?! You cry about not being able to pay your car note or buy food for your kids or whatnot yet your ass somehow finds the moolah to go out and buy that brand new iPhone/pad/pod/fucking Rosie the robot maid. Which, honestly I would buy that if I could. Rosie. Not the iCrap. I just don't get it. Yes, I have a cell phone, which surprisingly MAKES FUCKING PHONE CALLS! Cause isn't that what phones are supposed to do? I can't watch a movie on it. Don't need to...have the BIG FLAT SCREEN TELEVISION. Oh, we paid cash for it. We saved for over a year to get it. Cause that is how you are supposed to do it. Yep...have an iPod too...a Nano. It's HOT pink. It's also 5 years old. And guess what. The little pink bitch still plays music just as well as the latest one with a fucking touch screen/video camera/electric toothbrush. YES, I KNOW that it doesn't have an electric toothbrush. You are missing the point. Or maybe you are not and you are just as pissed as me at these assholes! GOD I hope so. If this blog pissed you off...well, you are OBVIOUSLY in the wrong fucking place sister (or mister) and need to get outta here MACH SCHNELL! Or stick around...read a bit...you might learn something.
~namaste~
Jen

p.s.- This is not aimed at those of you/us that actually can afford this shit or have saved for it and whatnot.
p.p.s- Did I really need to clarify that?

Monday, October 4, 2010

Here is something you just can't understand...

...How I could just kill a man! Ok, not really. That is totally a Cypress Hill lyric. Or Rage Against The Machine. Depending on your mood. But sometimes I TOTALLY feel like that! I mean, really? WHY. CAN'T. PEOPLE. JUST. LEAVE. ME. THE. HELL. ALONE? I just want to live my life and be happy at least some of the time. Why do some people feel the need to constantly make themselves better? By putting me down, talking to me like I am unable to comprehend basic sentence structure. By assuming you have any idea of who I am, where I've been, what kind of education I have. WHO THE HELL DO YOU THINK YOU ARE? (channeling my inner Stewie there.) Is it just impossible for you to be happy with yourself? Your life? Your choices? Sure, we've all made some shitty ones. I refer to mine as the Denver Enigma. (He's my EX husband by the by, in case you missed that part!) But as one of my fave songs says...
Sometimes, I feel the fear of uncertainty stinging clear
And I can't help but ask myself how much I let the fear
Take the wheel and steer
It's driven me before
And it seems to have a vague, haunting mass appeal
But lately I'm beginning to find that I
Should be the one behind the wheel

Whatever tomorrow brings, I'll be there
With open arms and open eyes yeah

Whatever tomorrow brings, I'll be there
I'll be there

So if I decide to waiver my chance to be one of the hive
Will I choose water over wine and hold my own and drive?
It's driven me before
And it seems to be the way that everyone else gets around
But lately I'm beginning to find that
When I drive myself my light is found

Whatever tomorrow brings, I'll be there
With open arms and open eyes yeah

Whatever tomorrow brings, I'll be there
I'll be there

Would you choose water over wine
Hold the wheel and drive

Whatever tomorrow brings, I'll be there
With open arms and open eyes yeah

Whatever tomorrow brings, I'll be there
I'll be there.

So be there. And leave me the hell alone. Man!
~namaste~
Jen

Saturday, October 2, 2010

THIS is how my brain works people!




Pumpkin love is the best love there is!

OK y'all. I LOVE Fall. Like I pretty much HATE the rest of the year. Except winter cause I totally love snow and all and my birthday is in there somewhere, but there is just something about Fall. It's cooler, the colors, the smells, the PUMPKINS! I L.O.V.E. PUMPKINS! Every shape, size and color! So we went to go apple picking and apparently that was done last weekend...SHIT. So we got pumpkins.  Your normal carving type, some blue ones that are going to be pie soon (they are only blue outside- orange inside, but I'd totally eat a blue pumpkin pie cause I LOVE pie almost as much as cake!) Now...today I was so just giddy happy over all the pumpkins and crazy gourds and then Scott yells across the patch..."JEN!!! JEN!!! COME HERE QUICK!" I think that a giant punkin has fallen and crushed a child, but no... he has found my dream pumpkin! It is called Fairytale Pumpkin. FOR A REASON! It looks just like Cinderella's carriage! Or the kind of pumpkin you see in movies that you know is not real, but wish it was... WELL IT IS! And it's mine and I LOVE it!

Let me just say that this sucker weighs 33 pounds. 33 pounds of pumpkin love!
~namaste~
Jen

Friday, October 1, 2010

His fault- Part Deux ( cause I'm global like that!)

So I get home and he is home early from work. SURPRISE! We sit down are talking and joking around and I tell him about the cupcake. He gives me a look...I said "You do realize this is TOTALLY your fault, right?" Him- "How do you figure?" Me- "HELLO?!?!?! Alarm at 4 am for an hour every nine minutes! You need to set that fucker later!" Him- "But I want to get up. You don't understand how hard it is to get up that early. " Me- "You ARE kidding right? I. DON'T. UNDERSTAND.? EVERY. MORNING. I. HAVE. TO. BEAT .THE. SHIT. OUT. OF. YOU. AT. 4 .AM. BEACUSE. YOU. DON'T. HEAR. THE. ALARM. GOING. OFF!!!!"  Him- "Huh? OK." Me- "So you agree the cupcake is your fault?" Him- "Yep. I should be ashamed of myself." Me- "Damn right!" Him- "I should be punished." Me- "Do NOT turn this into something sexual! I am pissed at you for the cupcake!" Him- " What?"
So you see...this is why I eat cake and drink. ALOT.
~namaste~
Jen

The cupcake is TOTALLY his fault!

Today started off with me nearly killing my husband. Seriously. No shit. KILLING.HIM. Why, you may ask, would I feel the need to commit such a heinous deed? WHY?!!!??? Because for some completely ridiculoius reason he sets his alarm for 4 A.M. and then proceeds to hit snooze until 5 A.M. ONE .HOUR. OF. THAT. ANNOYING. FUCKING. BEEPING. EVERY. NINE. MINUTES. So naturally after kicking, poking, and almost biting him awake at various intervals he FINALLY gets out of bed! BAS.TARD. He then stumbles around the room in the dark looking for his shit. Did I mention that the 8 year old is also in bed with me? No? WELL. HE. IS. DAMN.IT. Now, he gets his shit and gets ready in the bathroom. I am struggling to fall back asleep cause my heart is pounding out of my chest from the exertion of NOT getting out of bed and beating him to death with the loofah in the shower. He tiptoes in (REALLY?!?!) and kisses me sweetly and says "honey, aren't you getting up? You said last night you wanted to get up and get on the treadmill." Thank GOD it was dark y'all. Cause the look I was giving would have killed him on the spot! So I said, "Uhhuh. Thanks sweetie. Have a great day. I love you. Be careful." I stretched  and sat up, the front door shut and my ass laid right back down and went back to sleep! Fast forward 20 minutes. Now my alarm is going off. Get up, get the coffee going, remember that there is no school today (THANK YOU NJ TEACHERS! GGGrrrrr!), scramble to get the little guy ready cause he has to go to work with me. Listen to him bitch about it for the next 30 minutes while I am trying to simultaneously drink me coffee, iron my clothes, and blowdry my hair. No easy feat. Out the door with instructions to the 11 year old to not kill himself, the cat, or burn anything down. Awesome. Love you see you later! Work is going great. UNTIL... the ASSHOLE drug rep. brings  in the drugs. You should all know my drug of choice by now... FUCKING CUPCAKES. GOURMET CUPCAKES. Like it matters to me. Cake is cake. But DAMN these are pretty! I had a pumpkin cupcake with creamcheese buttercream frosting. YES.I.DID. And you know what? It's all Scott's fault!
~namaste~
Jen

I am, as you should all know by now, mostly full of crap.

I was gonna say shit, but I figured that it would be a little harsh for some poor soul to accidentally stumble upon this blog too early in the A.M. before finishing at least one cup of coffee. There could have been a profanity induced injury or something and I am just not ready to accept that kind of guilt!
Soooo, anyway... here I sit at 0'Dark:30 looking at the treadmill from the corner of my left eye. I have guilt here, people. I TOTALLY abandoned my new best friend when he ( ALL exercise equipment are masculine, because only a man could make us want to throw up after spending an hour busting your ass for him!) was just trying to help. He didn't do anything wrong. I got a touch of the tummy bug, and no one wants to run when at any second horrible things could come pouring out of you! Then my right heel started hurting again. Not sure if it's plantar fasciitis or heel spurs. But I don't like people touching my feet. It freaks me out. (add that to my list of weird shit that freaks me out!) So until they find a way to fix it without touching my feet, NO Podiatrist for me! Then before I knew it an ENITRE WEEK had passed me by with nary a tread on that mill! I've been pretty good with the food intake though. So thank GOD for that! Although there was this one incident with a Chocolate Junior that we won't discuss because my C.E.A. sponsor would be upset. (Cake. Eaters. Anonymous. y'all. Pay attention!) I kind of feel guilty but then again I think I needed a break. To prove that I am capable of taking a break and not going monkey shit crazy and gaining back all 8.5 pounds I have lost in the last month or so! So, the moral of the story here y'all... I have no friggin' idea! It's SIX. IN. THE. MORNING. What do you want from me?
~namaste~
Jen