Do NOT read any farther if you have any idea, whatsoever, of getting offended.
This is my space. For me to rant. To praise. To whine. Whatever.
Do NOT send me bitchy emails or messages about what you read here.
You don't have to like it and you don't have to read it either!

Wednesday, September 29, 2010

I feel the need to clarify...

A few blogs ago I posted that I am no longer miserable and yet I continue to bitch about stupid shit every single day. Let me make something "No longer miserable" I mean that I am no longer heart sick over things people and events I had/have no control over. I am no longer letting those people, places and things own me. I OWN THEM! One of them quite literally. I will ALWAYS find something to bitch about. It's my job, nay, my RIGHT as an American woman to be able to do so! It doesn't mean I am miserable. It just means that I am calling the everyday bullshit on the carpet and giving it a dressing down. Because I can. I don't care anymore what people think of me. This is me and you don't have to like it. HELLO?!?!? Doesn't anyone pay attention??? I am tired of playing games. I am tired of pretending to be someone I am not. So I just stopped. No big deal. Over and done. Thanks. I choose to be silent in certain situations because I can. I am an adult and I pay my taxes so that is my right. I don't have to acknowledge certain people just because. If I really can't stand you you will know it by the fact that you are invisible to me. You are not even a ripple in my pond. I will not go out of my way to make anyone feel uncomfortable, but I also will not go out of my way to make you, if you are invisible to me, feel comfortable either. And, by the way, this is not about any one person. There are more people in my life than some people realize and you probably have no idea these folks exist so quit assuming...ASS. K? Crystal?

It's only friggin Wednesday?!?!

My week, thus far, has proved less than satisfactory. I started with a terrible stomach ache that I thought was a heart attack, no lie it hurt that bad. THEN I broke the tip of my just- healed from the last break -pinky toe. THEN my littlest one, through no real fault of his own, busted my lip with his HUGE head. THEN the oler one got his cell phone confiscated. THEN his teacher called. THEN I get a letter from the little one's school telling me he needs assistance with basic math skills and language arts literacy...THEY. SPELLED. HIS. F'ING. NAME. WRONG. Seriously?!?! I mean, how can you, with a straight face, tell me that my son who loves to read, needs assistance? He never spells his name wrong. IDIOTS.
I haven't been on the treadmill all week due to said stomach ache. I feel worse because of it but cannot seem to muster up the strength to do it. DAMN.IT. I WILL be getting on the tread tonight. I HAVE to. But am a little afraid seeing how much shit has gone wrong this week so far. My luck there will be a horrible accident involving me, the treadmill, the bookcase, and the cat. I just have a feeling. 

Monday, September 27, 2010

Checking myself in to the Betty Crocker clinic...

I have a problem...a cake problem. Although from my side...I can quit anytime I want to! I <3 a fat kid does. Oh, wait...SHIT! That's me too! DAMN.IT. Sometimes I just need it. CAKE. My sweet, flaky, icinged (yes, that is a word as a matter of fact! OK... I made it up) WHORE! I LOVE YOU! I HATE YOU! I NEED YOU TO MAKE ME WHOLE!!!! I had a small sliver of cake at a birthday party a few days ago and up until then I had done good. Cold Cupcake. Not a crumb in weeks. And this one was made with beets so I am not entirely sure it counts as cake. But dealer, aka SCOTT, disappeared and came back with...DUN DUN DUNNNNN.... a CHOCOLATE JUNIOR! The MECCA of Tasty Cake goodness! SONOFABITCH! He says, after I stupidly read the calorie load, " so, only eat half. You do know you can do that right?" Me- "UNHUH....." (as I am unwrapping it) Him-" You gonna save some for tomorrow?" Me- "What?" It's already gone. SHIT. Now I have guilt. Chocolate iced guilt to be sure, but guilt all the same. I am going to have to run like, THE UNITED STATES, to get rid of that! DAMN.IT.

Wednesday, September 22, 2010

You know I'm about to have my monthly visitor when...

I want to cry...and I mean ALL.THE.TIME. Over stupid shit. Like those dumb Debeer's Diamond commercials. Or when that little covered wagon drives into the cupboard cause the dog is chasing it...damn do!
I want to eat stupid things. Like hot dogs.And Salty chips, cause ya know the water retention isn't quite bad enough. And Tasty Cake Jelly Krimpets. OH.MY.GOD. And butter with brown sugar mixed lie. Think cookie dough before the flour and eggs and shit go in! And chili cheese Coney Dogs. And GIANT COKES...I don't drink soda anymore for the for a few years now. And Greasy, juicy hamburgers.And Hot, Salty, Balls...those are a real thing y'all. And they are probably not what you think. Maui's Doghouse in Wildwood sells them. ..DAMN IT! Now I am gonna start crying!
I get mean. REALLY mean. Scott calls it edgy cause he's not stupid enough to tell me that I am being a bitch. Good man. I yell over stupid things, "WHO IN THE FUCK FOLDED THESE TOWELS? HELEN KELLER?" I KNOW!!! I know...I'm ashamed of myself right now...I only yelled that once and it was at the hubby. He's been properly trained since then.
I want to sleep. ALL DAY. Which totally puts a damper on stuff, like eating the salty chips. It also makes me not want to get on the treadmill. Which I did once today already, but am thinking a glass of wine is in order instead. Big Girl Glass Of Wine. Like Jules'.

Monday, September 20, 2010


In case you hadn't noticed, I am having a REALLY shitty day. Like, in the history of shitty days this has to be in the top 10...maybe even top 5! If you read the previous blog(s) you'll know why/. Thus, you shall understand my downfall. I took the oldest to one is there. Take him to the other field cause "Oh! YEAH! Mom? It's at the other field." So now not only is my blood pressure WAY too high I am now grinding my teeth. We get there right at 5. No one is there. And I mean no one like tumbleweeds a'tumblin' across the empty fields kinda no one. So we wait. Then we go to leave and are half way down the road...THERE THEY ARE! DAMN.IT. Meanwhile the hubby, who is so far in the dog house he is like ameobas on fleas on rats, is texting me asking my what's going on. Like I have a friggin clue! So he says he'll come and I can take the little guy and head home. HALLELUJAH! Now, I've decided that the only thing going to salvage this day is french fries. Checker's battered, sorta spicy, greasy goodness kinda fries! SHUT UP! I KNOW! I ate those hot little bitches in less than 5 minutes! The little guy says , " Hey , mom where's your fries." Me- "uh...I ate them." Him- "Jeez mom!" Me " STOP JUDGING ME!" No lie that was the conversation with the 8 yr old. He knows I am crazy so it's fine. He did start hiding his fries like he was eating them in prison though. Now I know...I know...terrible right? I had the little voice in my head telling, "Don't eat them, Jen! You've been doing so well!" So you know what I did? I STUFFED A FRIGGIN FRY IN THE LITTLE VOICE'S MOUTH! A fry I stole from the 8 yr old. Nice.


You know, I think this Monday is going to go down in history. We start the day with two snotty nosed brats. CLosely followed by me nearly killing myself on the attic stairs. And by stairs I mean thin aluminum things that vaguely resemble stairs. Nearly break a friggin ankle on the treadmill cause I was so preoccupied with being pissed at everything from today and yesterday. NOW, and this is the chock full of peanuts icing on my cake of shit... The hubs just heard that his extension was denied. He will be 7 months short of retirement. What does this mean? IT. FUCKING. MEANS. THAT. HE. WILL. BE. SEVEN. MONTHS. SHORT. OF. RETIREMENT. No benefits, no retirement pay. NOTHING.THANK YOU FOR PLAYING FOR THE LAST 19 YEARS AND 5 MONTHS AN FUCK YOU. AWESOME. So thanks US Navy. For wasting my time. For taking that guy I fell in love with and turning him into a complete asshole. Thanks, for continuing to FUCK.WITH.ME after all the time and tears and EVERYTHING. I have given as a loving and supportive spouse. Thanks for keeping complete SHITBAGS in. Those guys that have been caught stealing (now I will have Jane's Addiction stuck in my head all day), doing drugs, getting lower ranked chicks pregnant, going A.W.O.L. Nice choice. No wonder our military is going to hell in a handbasket. So now, we wait. And hope, pray, cross fingers and toes, to see if somehow, someway, some miracle can be performed. If not...I wonder if I can sell an ovary. Kidney on the black market?
~Fuck It All~

WHY?!?! Why does it ALWAYS happen at 3 am?

What internal mechanism do kids have that causes illnesses to show themselves at THREE.IN.THE.MORNING? EVERY.DAMN.TIME?!?!?! I mean, seriously? I know that I, for one, do not love getting woken up by the littlest mouth breather (or the older one, or the one I married) snorting and hacking in my face in the wee hours of the morning. I really don't think that I know anyone who does. Naturally the husband sleeps through ALL of it. EVERY.SINGLE.TIME. (OK...quick lesson...for those of you that don't understand...when I type in caps with a period after each's my really mad, growley voice. K?) So I call both schools and tell them that my kids have the plague and will not be in today. Now I am not one of those moms that runs her kids to the doc with every sniffle. I'd never leave the friggin' place if I was. I mean, we live in JERSEY. Which apparently has one of the HIGHEST incidences of allergy related illnesses in the WHOLE country. AWESOME! One more reason for me to love it here! But today I did take them cause Jersey also has this rule that says all absences are unexcused without a note from a doctor or official (ya know in case of a funeral or something). DAMN.IT. Even f the nurse calls you to come get your little snot dribbler from school...unexcused. Which will go on their PERMANENT RECORD. Awesome. So I take them and the doc says, "They just have colds. They can go to school today. Nurse write them a note saying they are to go to school today." Now, my kids allergies/reactive airway disease/ASTHMA has gone completely f'ing haywire this year. So I know that "just have colds" almost always (at least since the move to Jersey) turn into something really green and nasty. So I take the bigger one in cause well, he has had it since Friday and he is well enough to play in his room he can go to school. Naturally he hates me right now. The little one is home. CAUSE HE HAS A FRIGGIN' FEVER! DUH! If the school nurse calls me to come get the older one...I am going to go smack the doctor.

Sunday, September 19, 2010

Apparently I am also needy as hell!

So I totally acted the whore and complained on FB about my 200 or so "friends"  that I have and only 3 give a big enough shit to pay attention. And I LOVE the three of you a ton! But would LOVE to see that some other folks in my life want to read what I have to say. I have this crazy notion that I can write and people want to read what I write. Like, they look forward to reading it. They NEED ME. Sick? Weird? YEP...I know.

Apparently I am the Food Nazi...

So, today, in the midst of cleaning the kitchen, doing laundry, and then LOVINGLY vacuuming AND steam cleaning the seats and carpet in the HUSBAND'S car...I threw out a bag of Sun all their compostable bag glory. It was in the Prius and in the way... I didn't do it on purpose. So the husband...who was inside playing hockey on the PlayStation...says, "DID YOU THROW OUT MY BAG OF CHIPS?!?!" Me- "ummm...yes?" Him- "WHAT?!?!? You know... SOMETIMES.I.NEED.A.SNACK.ON.MY.LONG.DRIVES.TO.AND.FROM.WORK." Me- "Um, OK. I totally didn't do it on purpose." Him- "You know sometimes it feels like punishment." Me- "What does?" Him- "The way you are about food." Me- "Really? DULY NOTED." No lie, y'all this shit happened. SO...then he took the little guy to his soccer game and I proceeded to salt the eggplant slices, you know to get the bitter juices out, dredge them in flour and make eggplant parm with homemade sauce. FROM SCRATCH. He comes home and we all sit to eat. Him- "This is really good." Me- wait for it.... "HMMmmm. It doesn't taste too much like punishment?" BA- ZINGA!!!!! Asshole. I spend the bulk of my life trying to make and purchase foods that are as close to their original source as possible. That is some time consuming shit, let me tell you. And the results of my being a food Nazi? The allergy issues are almost gone, the stomach issues are gone, the skin issues...also gone. Huh...some f'ing punishment. If anyone is being punished here it's me. And I take it willingly to give my family the best food I can give them. Maybe it's time I was more like the Swiss....

Saturday, September 18, 2010

VOLS, beer, and lectures from the 11 yr old...

There are few things in this world that I LOVE as much as VOLS football. Devils hockey is one, but it's not time yet for that. And we all know I adore my kids, but...this is something different entirely, I <3 it. Like a fat kid <3's cake...well, damn if that's not me too! Now here is the ISH... my kids have told me I am cut off. Meaning... I am not allowed to exceed the 4 beer limit that they have apparently set for me. Now, never mind the fact that I spent COLLECTIVELY over 22 hours in labor with these ungrateful little brats. but, now they have the BALLS to say I am done?!?! WHAT THE AY-EFF? Never mind the fact that I feed these little locusts incessantly and it still is JUST.NOT.ENOUGH. Never mind that I am WORE OUT from thier random projects and practices...but I am somehow not allowed to tie one on today. REALLY??!! WHO IN THE HELL DO YOU THINK YOU ARE? (Stewie Griffin voice if you please) PLUS... DAMN IT I PAID FOR IT!!!! AND some of the BEST beers happen in the Fall! I'll be damned! Now...excuse me whilst I pop open another Magic hat hex and watch what's left of the VOLS game.

I'm friggin starving myself of cake for this?!?!

Six pounds. Say it with me... SIX.POUNDS! That's a good number right? I like to think it is. Or, well, I did. Then I inevitably start to think, "That's it? 6 measley little pounds after all the running and NOT eating cake. And OH.MY.GOD.THE.NEOPRENE.SHORTS!" Why do we do that to ourselves? Why do we not celebrate every pound like we won some terrible battle? Call it something fancy like "The Cellulite War" or ""Operation Skinny Pants". Call it "Get My Fat Ass Out Of Fat Girl Hell" Doesn't matter. CELEBRATE IT! I worked hard! OK, not as hard as I could have, but harder than usual! I religiously fling my jiggly self down an imaginary hill (and up it too) everyday. I am eating healthier, which is funny cause I thought I was doing that pretty well already. But, there is always room for improvement. In everything, everywhere, in your life. I am actually starting to look forward to the run. Like a crack head I start to itch and twitch and I know it's time for my next hit! Kinda like my scale addiction/fear. I seriously have to stay away from the back of the house or I will be getting on and off that damn number flashing whore every second! Why do we obsess? Oh, because society says to be thin is to be beautiful. Well, F**K SOCIETY! I will never be skinny again. I know this. Birthing two LARGE children has taught me this. I am not striving for a size 4 or a 2. Because honestly, the chicks that fit in that are either REALLY petite by nature or have a habit of throwing up everytime they put anything in their mouth. I am working towards losing the beer gut. The cake butt. And the thighs. I couldn't think of a clever name for them. They are a thing unto themselves as it is. I'd rather not name them. When you name evil it makes it real. I am trying to get healthy so I can run with my husband. Play soccer with my kids. Take them hiking. I love being outdoors and being fat has robbed me of that joy. I mean really, who wants to see a fat girl climb a mountain?

Thursday, September 16, 2010

I am convinced that the maker of anything neoprene is some sort of sick bastard.

Wait...does that make me sick cause I have at least 2 things made of the stuff? For the record there are two words that should NEVER go together...NEOPRENE and SHORTS. Or pants, whatever! On a side note... I own a pair so I feel I can be the expert here. Not only are the a complete pain in the ass to get on, BUT (you'll get the play on words in a second) they also cause things to sweat that have ZERO business being that sweaty! Now, here comes the fun part. And by fun, I mean fun , like, being ripped apart by rabid squirrels fun. After you get nice and sweaty, they itch. I cannot fully describe it. It's an itch akin to having fire ants crawling and biting the previously squirrel ravaged skin. Not that I really know what that feels like and am totally exaggerating here, but you get the picture. Now that you are itching so terribly...HOW. IN. THE. HELL. DO. I. GET. THE. DAMN. THINGS. OFF?No lie...I am typing this sitting in a pair of neoprene sweaty pants literally swimming in my own funk because I am afraid to take them off! I really believe that my first few layers of skin will go with them. Also, to increase the nasty factor...I have on a NEOPRENE BELT. No lie. Guess there's more than two words that should NEVER go together.

Wednesday, September 15, 2010

I LOVE lists!!!

I make them all the time...but you have to read and understand my previous post to get the irony in that.
Here's one that is just fun to do...
Rules: Complete the 36 "I’ve come to realize." Then share it with your friends...

1. I've come to realize that my job(s)... is all right most days.

2. I've come to realize that my chest-size... is great. I am terrified that it will deflate as I reach my goal of -25 pounds!

3. I've come to realize that when I'm driving... I am usually white knuckled on the steering wheel. This is JERSEY, people!

4. I've come to realize that I need... therapy. But I can't afford so here we are.

5. I've come to realize that I have lost...a lot of things and that would have to be a whole other post!

6. I've come to realize that I hate it when... people look at me like I am stupid or talk to me the same way.

7. I've come to realize that if I'm drunk...I'm drunk. What? Did you expect something else? OK...depending on the offending liquor I may lose a piece (or more) of clothing.

8. I've come to realize that money... needs to be told where to go or it will leave you so MAKE A BUDGET AND STICK TO IT.

9. I've come to realize that certain people... need a kick in the teeth!

10. I've come to realize that I'll always ... be who I am and therefore standing alone in the crowd most of the time.

11. I've come to realize that my sibling(s)... are too far away.

12. I've come to realize that my mom... was the strongest woman I ever knew and I miss her every single day.
13. I've come to realize that my cell phone... is a piece of crap.

14. I've come to realize that when I woke up this morning... it was Wednesday.

15. I've come to realize that last night before I went to sleep... I was thankful that my husband made it home safely.

16. I've come to realize that right now I am thinking... about how I should be on the treadmill...

17. I've come to realize that my what he is.

18. I've come to realize that when I get on Facebook... I look forward to seeing how my friends are doing.

19. I've come to realize that today... was dancing on my last nerve!

20. I've come to realize that tonight... I am exhausted.

21. I've come to realize that my "day off" so I get to spend it cleaning and stuff.

22. I've come to realize that I really want to... lose 25 pounds...

23. I've come to realize that the person who is most likely to repost this is...

24. I've come to realize that life... is too short to live with regrets.

25. I've come to realize that this weekend... needs to get here already!

26. I've realized the best music to listen to when I am upset... is usually something really loud or man bashing depending on who or what pissed me off.

27. I've come to realize that my friends... have made up for my "family".

28. I've come to realize that this year... is already almost over!

29. I've come to realize that my ex... is still a FANTASTIC douche.

30. I've come to realize that maybe I should... stop blogging and run.

31. I've come to realize that I love... my family and friends. And cake.

32. I've come to realize that I don't understand... why everyone has to make everything so hard all the time.

33. I've come to realize my past... broke me. But I am picking up the pieces and will continue to do so.

34. I've come to realize that parties... need to happen more often!

35. I've come to realize that I'm totally terrified... of spiders. I tried REALLY hard to be a big, tough girl about one the other night and it landed on my hand and I SQUEALED! Scott thought it was hysterical.

36. I've come to realize that my life... is still being written.

If procrastination were an art form I'd be friggin' Picasso!

So, here I am day 4 with a shiny new treadmill and guess what? I've only managed to hurl my fat ass onto it about 3 times. Which sounds like a great track record, but falls far short of the promise I made to myself. And the amount of use it needs to get to justify it's price tag. I NEED to lose this weight. I NEED to get my ever expanding back end in gear. I NEED to start training for the Philly marathon and Mud Run next year. I NEED to stop procrastinating. In ALL aspects of my life. My family, my friendships, my all falls by the wayside cause I got some other shit I need to do. Like blog about the fact that I am not doing any of these things. It's sick. I know. I have friggin' LIBRARIES of problems. Issue #1 is worth TONS of money! OK, well, maybe not but I like to think so! Way off track...again... There is so much I NEED to do and I have ZERO motivation to do any of it. WHAT THE AY-EFF? The best laid plans of mice and men, y'all. I usually start off everyday with a "go get 'em girl" (complete with DUN DA DA DA soundtrack!) attitude and end with a "two tears in a bucket" (WAH WAH WAHHHH) one. Where in my day do I lose my mojo? And who stole it? I should put one of those little "If found please return to..." labels on it.

Sunday, September 12, 2010

Day 1 Redux...

I felt I needed to update a little... I am sporadic at best at these things...I think this is like the 4th blog I have tried to do! A recently rekindled friendship inspired me to do this and to keep at it because like she said, " I have too much funny shit to say!" Some stuff pisses me off. Some stuff makes me cry. Some stuff just makes me shake my head and walk away. But it is all just stuff right? It's nice to know how many friends I have that get me. And I mean REALLY get me. They take me for my smart ass self and make no bones about telling me what I need to hear! THANK YOU TO MY GIRLS (and the few guys that get it!)! You all inspire me in a million different ways! I said earlier that I cleaned house on the whole "friends" thing and I did, and I realized it made room for the friendships I had misplaced to be found, the ones I had neglected to be cherished even more, and the new ones to be nurtured. And from the wreckage arises a new structure! No new beginnings here. Just another thing I tripped over, got skinned up, and am healing from. Isn't that what it's all about? Getting up, dusting yourself off and going on? Some days I stay down and roll around in the dust in my own pain and I think I need to do that to remind myself what it feels like and to not put myself in a position to feel like that again. I am trying to find grace, balance, and forgiveness with all my heart.
Until next time...

Day 1

Of what exactly? I have started and stopped so many diets, exercise routines, life altering things that I have seriously lost count. I am in a constant battle of wills with myself and most of those around me. Some days I just give up because I am too tired to fight anymore. I am in noway, nor have I ever claimed to be, perfect. NOT EVEN CLOSE! I get mad at my kids and husband. I yell. I cuss. I occasionally throw things. Not pretty, but hey, it's me. I have a terrible temper when provoked. And some days it's too easy to provoke me! Especially here, now. I feel like I am suffocating. Growing stagnant. YUCK! I am not the fun, strong chick I was mere months ago. Where in the HELL did she go? I've made my mistakes. But I will not stand for people criticizing me and my right to tell it how I see it. So, yeah, that got my ass in some serious hot water. But, you know what? TOUGH NOOGIES! There are people getting pais MILLIONS to write their opinions and blab about it on t.v. Why am I different? Why am I not allowed to say what I feel? I call shenanigans! I took a HUGE step recently and severed ties with people I have known for years. They were either too toxic or comlpetely absent yet expected me to be always available Jen. OUT! OUT! DAMN SPOT! I thought it would hurt more than it did. Guess that proves I was right in doing it. So now I try to surround myself with people that know me and love me anyway. The rest are just flotsam, following in my wake.